"OMIGOSH!!! THERE IT IS! RIGHT UNDER THE BED!"

11/15/09

President Obama’s idea of moving suspected terrorists from the balmy Caribbean clime of our base on Castro’s island Workers’ Paradise to the alternately intolerably icy and unbearably hot and humid reaches of western Illinois has generated plenty of excitement.
Congressman Mark Kirk, taking a break from his obsequious yet so far fruitless pursuit of an endorsement of his Senate run from GOP braintrust Sarah Palin has stated that

“If (the Obama) administration brings al-Qaida terrorists to Illinois, our state and the Chicago metropolitan area will become ground zero for jihadist terrorist plots, recruitment, and radicalization.”

The increasingly less reasonable Congressman Don Manzullo, whose district really needs an economic shot in the arm and in which the Thomson Correctional Center, the proposed storage area for the suspected terrorists, is located, has, falling back on that perennial Republican chestnut, national defense, thundered

“The issue is ‘Are you going to exchange the promise of jobs for national security?’ National security trumps everything.”

Does Mr. Manzullo really think “National security trumps everything?” If he does, we can only conclude that his metamorphosis from a sensible conservative to a jingoistic yahoo is now complete. But I digress. Mr. Manzullo went on to observe, in what he presumably thinks is a rational manner, that “al-Qaida would follow al-Qaida” if Thomson ends up housing the Guantanamo alums. This, of course, is only natural; why wouldn’t al-Qaida, upon discovering a site so close to Morrison, Prophetstown, and Geneseo, want to immediately make up for past oversights and set up a terrorist workshop in such a target rich area?

The hysteria about Thomson’s becoming Guantanamo North is apparently bi-partisan. Democratic Representative Melissa Bean, from Chicago’s northwest suburbs yet apparently unaware that Guantanamo is closer to Miami than Thomson is to Chicago, says she is “opposed to transferring Guantanamo detainees to Illinois, or anywhere in the United States, without substantial assurance regarding potential security threats.” Dock Walls, current Democratic candidate for governor and perennial candidate for anything involving a public paycheck, wisely intones

“We must assume that terrorist groups would constantly plot to free their cohorts. That this small town is in fairly close proximity to a major river should be of safety and strategic concern.”

Hmm…

Of what are these estimables afraid? That the suspected terrorists are dangerous men? That is why they will be housed in a maximum security facility; Thomson will be the new Marion, which was, before being downgraded to a medium security facility a few years ago, the new Alcatraz. The potential danger to the public of even the most dangerous characters is, to put it mildly, severely mitigated in a supermax facility. The likes of John Wayne Gacy and Richard Speck were housed with little incident in lesser facilities in our state. John Gotti was kept at a safe distance from mayhem in Marion. Are the al-Qaida people more dangerous than any of the aforementioned? Potentially, yes. In a supermax facility? No. The village president of Thomson, Jerry “Duke” Hebeler, who, not surprisingly, is making more sense than any of his big city colleagues, put it best, to wit, “A murder is a murderer, no matter where he’s from.” Perhaps Mr. Hebeler might be interested in moving to Springfield; we can only hope that people of such common sense might seek statewide office in the Land of Lincoln. But we can justifiably fear that such common sense would quite understandably dissuade Mr. Hebeler and those like him from joining the pack of hyenas that currently constitutes state government here; thus, the very attributes that make Mr. Hebeler a compelling candidate for statewide office disqualify him for statewide office in Illinois. Again, I digress.

But don’t these terrorists and potential terrorists have a wide network of compatriots with whom they could plot death and destruction? Yes, but so did John Gotti. Did he plot such destruction from behind Marion’s walls? Probably, but his potential for evildoing was severely constrained by the supermax nature of that facility. And if al-Qaida’s network is so extensive, what does it matter where these people are housed? If they can strike anywhere in the world, why would they choose to plot against, say, Moline, when they could go after, say, New York, London, Riyadh, or Tel-Aviv? To argue that these guys are dangerous because they are part of an international terror network detracts from the argument that northwestern Illinois is in imminent peril from their presence. The people of Thomson, who, according to the “al-Qaida will follow al-Qaida argument,” are most vulnerable, are not overly alarmed by the prospect of new, belligerent neighbors; indeed, the citizens of Thomson are solidly behind the President’s plan.

Why should we take in out of state criminals, the likes of Messrs. Manzullo, Walls, and Kirk will bellow? So why don’t we shut down the federal prison at Marion? It held people like John Gotti, who probably had never been to our state, except, perhaps, to pay respects to Tony “Joe Batters” Accardo, before finding permanent housing in Marion. Why not shut down all our federal prisons? Who needs those jobs anyway? Perhaps we can put the guards and other prison employees to more gainful work, like toiling away at federal government approved “green” projects or organizing their communities.

Mr. Walls apparently speaks for a group of people who fear the dangers of a potential jail break from Thomson. Hmm…a group of al-Qaida terrorists are going to have an easy time, Mr. Wall must suppose, blending into the social fabric of Thomson, population < 600. Or perhaps Mr. Walls fears an al-Qaida version of McHale’s navy floating down the Illinois or the Mississippi with the explicit purpose of throwing open the doors at Thomson in a 21st century redux of Normandy, only with fewer people, and no beaches, involved.

The only sillier argument than the “close to a river and therefore subject to nefarious escape plots” is the line of illogic that suggests that once these suspected terrorists are housed in Thomson, al-Qaida will finally realize there is a huge city on the southwest shores of Lake Michigan. This argument goes that only the coasts have been vulnerable so far due to al-Qaida’s limited knowledge of American geography. But, once the Guantanamo alums are housed in Thomson, Chicago will be in their crosshairs. The same people who make this argument also argue that al-Qaida is a cabal of terrorist masterminds, capable of bringing our country to its knees due to their worldwide network of ultra-sophisticated, technologically savvy cohorts. They expect us to fall for both arguments; unfortunately, we usually do.

Opponents of moving the Guantanamo crowd to Thomson cannot win with such specious arguments. But they will probably succeed in thwarting the President’s plans for Thomson. After all, Governor Pat “No Relation” Quinn is for the Thomson plan. Given his track record, as soon as someone capable of cutting a political deal, writing a campaign check, or effecting a put-upon attitude raises an objection, the Governor will change his mind. Some other state will get the Guantanamo prisoner bonanza in the interest of “listening to the people.”