THE HOME FRONT IN THE WAR ON TERROR

10/14/07

The following is a short story I wrote for a short story writing contest sponsored by a writers’ magazine. The story got absolutely nowhere in the contest, probably because it reflects the world view of the writer, which some would describe as cynical but which the insightful would describe as realistic:


He reached for the phone to call his best friend Jimmy.
“Hey, Jimmy, I’m watchin’ our favorite talk show guy. Yeah, watchin’ him! He’s got a TV show now. Yeah. We can watch him at night, too. Yeah, four hours is never enough. Anyway, he’s makin’ another good point. You know, Americans are the toughest sons-of-bitches in the world. No one should ever mess with us, man. We're so bad! We’ll show those damn troublemakers in the Middle East.”
Jimmy agreed. “You know, Billy, I was thinking about that yesterday. I started watching football at noon didn’t stop until 8:00 at night. Two full games and most of a third. I was thinking that any damn terrorist thinking of screwing with the U.S. ought to sit down and watch a few hours of NFL football. Then they’d see how tough we are and run away like scared little girls.”
Billy laughed. “You are so right, my friend. Hey, I gotta pick up a lawn mower tomorrow. You wanna come with me? I don’t like to go to the mall alone. You never know what people might think. What kind of man goes to the mall alone?”
“Yeah, I’ll go with ya. I’m not doing anything else. What time you wanna pick me up?”
“I guess around 11:00. I don’t wanna get up too early, but I don’t wanna be out in the afternoon. It’s too damn hot, and, anyway, I like to be in the car when our guy’s on the radio, even if it’s only for a few minutes.”

Billy, late as usual, picked up Jimmy at 11:20, even though he lived only a few doors down the block. Billy honked the horn, not wanting to have to get out of the air- conditioned car, and not wanting to miss a minute of his favorite talk show host. Jimmy jumped in the car and started to talk, but before he could get two words out, Billy gave him a big “SHHH!!! He’s on!” Jimmy fell silent, almost reverent.
“Yes, my friends, we Americans are indeed the toughest, most resourceful people on the entire planet. Any terrorist better think long and hard about attacking our country, because he will rue the day he picks a fight with us. More after these messages.”
“As usual, Jimmy, he’s got it right. I don’t know where the guy gets such insight. Probably right from God.”
“Wouldn’t surprise me.”
Since the mall was only a few blocks from Jimmy’s house, there wasn’t time for further conversation. They were in the parking lot in a few minutes. Billy pulled into a parking spot about halfway down the row nearest one of the mall’s entrance doors.
“What the hell are you doin', Billy? There has to be a closer space!”
“We can walk a little.”
“Are you crazy? It’s hot out there. I’m not gonna walk any farther than I have to in this heat.”
“You’re right, Jimmy…I’m sorry.” Billy restarted the car and drove around the lot for awhile, but couldn’t find a space. Finally, he decided to park in the handicapped space right next to an entrance. “There can’t be that many gimps shopping in the middle of the day. We shouldn’t have to walk in this heat when there are spaces like this that no one’s going to use.”
Jimmy nodded in agreement. “Just another government handout, and most people who use them aren’t even crippled.”
They hustled into the air conditioned mall. A line had formed for the escalator so Jimmy headed for the stairs. “Are you nuts, Jimmy?” Billy asked. “That’s a lot of stairs. I’m not gonna climb ‘em.”
“What do you want to do, wait in that long line for the escalator?”
“Hell, no. I can’t waste my time. Let’s take the elevator.”
As the friends rode the elevator, Billy asked Jimmy “Do you suppose a terrorist could ever take out a mall like this one? Imagine…this mall is so typical, there’s one like it around every town in America.”
“Billy, you talk about that like it’s a bad thing. I like things to be the same. It feels more comfortable that way.”
“No, Jimmy, that’s not my point. My point is that, since every mall is basically the same, taking one out would make everyone feel vulnerable. It would spread fear throughout the county.”
“They wouldn’t try it. Remember, this is middle America, where real Americans live. We’re tough and resourceful, not like those namby-pambies on the coasts. The terrorists will never pull something in this part of the country because then they’d be messing with real Americans. Isn’t that what our guy says?”
“You’re right, Billy, and so is he, as always. Too bad we’re stuck in this mall during his show. I hate to miss a minute. Maybe we should get I-pods or something like that so we can listen to him when we can’t be near a radio.”
“Not a bad idea, but let’s just get this lawn mower and get home to listen.”
By that time, they had reached the garden center of the anchor department store and proceeded right to the riding mowers. Billy swooned over what he saw.” Look at these babies! I’d like to see those damn terrorists try to make somethin’ this tough!”
“Don’t make me laugh. They’re not resourceful. They’re not clever. Mostly, they’re not tough enough. I thought that you wanted to buy a lawn mower in a hurry, though, Billy. Why waste time looking at the riding mowers?”
“You think I’m actually gonna to walk behind a lawn mower in the summer heat? What are you, nuts? I’m gonna get a riding mower!”
“A riding mower? You only got a quarter acre!”
“And you’re point is? If I’m gonna cut my own grass, I’m cuttin’ it in comfort.”
After a short talk with a salesman, Billy decided on a particular model. After Billy paid for it, the salesman added “I assume you guys will be taking this home.”
Billy looked at him like he had suggested brain surgery without an anesthetic. “Take it home? That box is heavy!”
“We could get someone to cart it to your car. Since there are two of you guys, you could probably ease it out of the car when you get home. There’s almost no assembly required, so you could just take it out the car, put gas and oil in it, fire it up, and drive it into your garage.”
“That’s too much work, especially in the heat. Just deliver it.”
“We’ll be happy to deliver it, but there’s a charge for that, and it will take about a week to get it to you.”
“A week? I only live a few blocks away!”
“Not to be rude, sir, but if you’re only a few blocks away, that would make taking it home even easier. We could even have a few of our guys ride with you and help you unload it at your home…”
“Then I’d have to drive them home. No, it’s too much work. Just deliver it. I’ll pay for the delivery.”
“Are you sure? There would be no charge for having the guys go to your house with you, and they could walk back.”
“It’s too much hassle. Just deliver it.”

As they drove back, Billy asked Jimmy if he’d like to come over to watch the game that night.
“I don’t know, Billy…”
Billy shot Jimmy a raised eyebrow. “You mean you don’t wanna watch the game? What kind of guy doesn’t wanna watch the game? What, aren’t you tough enough to take the NFL action?”
“No, no…nothin' like that, Billy. I figured, though, that with our guy on TV now, we’d wanna watch him. He’s doing a follow-up show on terrorists and how they lack the toughness and resourcefulness to take on America and how if all real Americans got behind the war on terrorism, the terrorists wouldn’t stand a chance. You wouldn’t want to miss that, would you?”
Billy and Jimmy were faced with a quandary. How could they miss a football game? What would people think if they found out they missed a Monday night game? Yet, how could they miss their man? Didn’t all real Americans, hard, tough, patriotic Americans, watch and listen to his every show? If they missed one, people might question their patriotism, or even think they were pro-terrorist.
“I guess we could put one of my other TVs in the TV room; I have six televisions. Then we could watch both.”
“That’d be too much work. All that lifting and going up and down stairs.”
“Yeah. Let’s just make heavy use of the remote and go back and forth between the game and our guy. That should be alright.”
“Good idea. Those damn terrorists don’t have that kind of resourcefulness. They can’t improvise like we can.”
“Yeah. They’d be in big trouble if they ever messed with us.”