Exposing a Notorious non-Christian

5/25/07

A NEWS ITEM WE ARE BOUND TO SEE IN THE (NEAR) FUTURE:


The Reverend Billy Bob Howell, chairman of the newly formed Committee to Purify Christianity, has issued the Committee’s final determination that Jesus of Nazareth was by no means a Christian. Reverend Howell’s statement:

“After a careful search of the four gospels, we failed to find evidence of a single-minded focus of Jesus on abortion, or even one instance in which he used the word “abortion;” therefore, his stance on life issues was clearly out of step with that of believing Christians throughout our nation. Further, not even once did Jesus even refer to homosexuality or homosexual marriage, let alone make clear his revulsion at the very idea of homosexuality or at the preposterous notion that homosexuals be allowed to marry. Clearly, he was not in step with Christian values on the all-important issues of marriage and family. So how did that charlatan feel empowered to call himself a Christian?

“As a side-note, Jesus’ follower Paul was somewhat better on the issue of homosexuality, but he, too, failed to even mention abortion, so we also doubt the genuineness of his self-proclaimed faith.

“Jesus’ admonition to ‘render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and render unto God those that are God’s’ is clearly a call for his followers to forsake political involvement, or at least to give it a lower level of priority than devotion to what he mistakenly understood as Christian principles. This preaching is diametrically opposed to unquestioning devotion to the Republican Party, an unyielding tenet of the Christian faith. Further, Jesus’ incessant yammering about loving one’s neighbor and serving the needs of the poor clearly indicate that he was a liberal. Didn’t that mountebank realize that being a liberal is wholly incompatible with Christianity, which has as its key membership requirement blind devotion to conservatism as defined by God’s herald Rush Limbaugh?

Further, there is little talk of smiting one’s enemies, very common in the good part of the Bible (i.e., the Old Testament), in the gospels. This indicates to us that Jesus would not be behind (here we must all replicate the otherwise anathemic papist practice of genuflecting) President Bush’s efforts to smite the terrorists in Iraq. How could someone who opposes the most sanctified initiative of perhaps the holiest man ever to grace our fallen and ungrateful planet call himself a Christian?

“We have even found unusual common ground with orthodox elements of the Roman church on this issue. The papists have even established a chapter of the Committee to Purify Christianity. Here is the statement of Father Clement C. Farisi, better known as Clement the Inquisitor, on our finding regarding Jesus:

‘We have found that our brothers in the heathen churches, though clearly misguided on most other issues, are correct in their contention that Jesus indeed was not a Christian. In addition to the points that the Reverend Howell has made regarding Jesus’ lack of clarity on abortion and that other thing that I can’t even mention, along with Jesus’ non-Republican politics, we have a few other points of contention with this pretender from Palestine. First, he preached to his followers not in Latin but, rather, in the vernacular of his time and place. Second, he did such preaching while actually facing his listeners. Every real Catholic knows that God intended His priests to, when saying Mass, turn their backs to their people and speak to them in a language they don’t understand. That’s the way it was always done before that clearly misguided John XXIII called the perfidious Vatican II. Further, there is no evidence that Jesus ever even attended, let alone said, Mass. How can one call one’s self a Christian, let alone a Catholic, if one does not attend the Mass said as we have determined it be said? Some have argued that the Last Supper was indeed a Mass. But all the right thinking people (except for the evangelist John, whose never-ending blather about loving one another was clearly out of step with modern Christianity anyway) know it was a Seder, and we think that any Catholic who even considers attending a heretical Seder should burn eternally in Hell. But even if the Last Supper was a Mass, Jesus violated the rules. He distributed Communion immediately after dinner, not allowing for the one hour waiting period required after eating before one can consume Communion! In fact, that one hour time period itself was a vicious dilution of real Catholicism emanating from the abominable Vatican II. But Jesus did not see fit to comply even with that watered-down regulation. Just who did he think he was? He sounds to us like some sort of secular humanist, if not, heaven forefend, a Jesuit. Clearly, he wasn’t a Catholic. A Catholic follows the rules, and we make the rules.

Thank you, Reverend Howell, for allowing us to join your group. Though you will rot in hell for not recognizing the primacy of the Church and its never-erring hierarchy, we are happy to join you in exposing this fraud that was doubtlessly perpetrated by liberals and other heretics bent on destroying God’s kingdom on earth.’

“We also thank Father Farisi for his contribution. Though it is he and his papist followers who will be providing the fuel for our eternal marshmallow roast in the hereafter, he clearly sees the truth in this crusade to purify Christianity, and we pray that he and his will repent while there is still time.

“Concluding, we think Jesus had the right idea when he talked about fiery Gehenna where the worm dies not and the flames are never extinguished, but when he failed to address the family values issues and started incessantly babbling about liberal values like love and peace, he exposed himself for what he is: a liberal secular type who was clearly anything but a Christian. Jesus’ most blatant heresy, however, was his incessant contention that eternal salvation could be gained through faith in him. Real, genuine, believing Christians know that all that is required to gain eternal life is opposition to abortion, vilification of homosexuals, and blind devotion to President Bush and the Republican Party. We pray also that Jesus, too, may somehow repent in the afterlife and become a real Christian, like me and my followers.”

The Pontificator